Dear you.
I miss you. I miss sending you links to things that noone would understand the way you did. I mean, my friends all have a similiar sense of humour and know to laugh at the things I send them. But the in-jokes with you are endless and the things I find are all related to our in-jokes and my other friends just don’t get it the way you got it. Obviously when I say that people are lookin like a fool with their pants on the ground, they think it’s hilarious, but it’s just not the same.
It’s not the same when I hug other boys. It’s nice that they care about me enough to embrace me, but I don’t feel the same warmth with them as I have with you since the first time we hugged. I feel self-conscious and uncomfortable and like they’re just another person. Every hug is just another person. Of course there are people who are more special, more important than others, for example, my mother, but it just doesn’t compare to the way you would kiss me and then not really know whether to hug me or not, and then awkwardly semi let go, then draw me back in for epic cuddles. Forehead kisses from Mum, although I’ve always thought they were special, are nothing compared to the forehead kisses from you. There’s this spark that runs through my entire body everytime your lips touch my forehead.
When people tell me I’m pretty or beautiful or intelligent or amazing, it feels nice, but it’s nothing compared to what I felt when you said any of those things. Although rare, the compliments you gave me came in a package deal with goosebumps all over my body. Not in a creepy “I just ran my nails along a chalkboard” way, in an amazing “I feel so special right now that I can’t even respond” way.
The intense discomfort I used to feel when you touched my tummy was nothing compared to the way I felt when I realised you weren’t gonna judge me. It had nothing on the way I felt when I realised I could be my whole self with you, and that wasn’t going to change the way you felt about me. It was nothing compared to the way I felt when I realised how much you didn’t care about the superficial stuff.
I’m gonna miss driving past the ADI site and having it pointed out. Or the convenience of the path across the road from it. I miss talking bogan to you and I miss the excitement I got when I realised it was you on the phone. I miss coming online simply to see if you were around just for a quick chat. I miss knowing you exist in my life.
I don’t know if I want you back, but I want something that fills this void. Right now I feel like you’re the only puzzle piece that fits it, but maybe I’m meant to find a bigger piece and simply cover the hole rather than fill it. Maybe it’s impossible for you to be with me. Maybe I’m okay with that and am yet to realise it.
All I know is that, you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen. All I know is that I miss you…probably more than anyone ever should.
Love Kaiti xx
